have you ever listened to a song on your iPod and just gotten a feeling of old happiness? Like a feeling of being 'home' right where you're supposed to be, a nostalgic feeling?

Well, Proud by Heather Small inspired rthat in me just now, and as i looked at my fanfiction site, I remembered that I don't write for reviews, I write for me, so I'm going to be doing more writing in the near futre, I'm so excited. I just have to finish these two papers for class first.

it's time to stand up, put on a new dress, and dust my hands off.

I'm not picking up his pieces anymore.

Spark was also dead this morning. My theory is he had a heart attack as he was swimming atraight upa nd then just sunk and twitched a bit. That leaves 1/10 still alive, plus the two replacements.

I'll return him to walmart and get three new ones from persmart and out them in the real aquarium, hopefully with betyter luck.

Speck has also turn up dead. he has gone to the great fishbowl in my septic system. I also set up the ten gallon aquarium today and it's cycling until tomorrow night, at which time spark will be put in his new permanaent home.

Turns out spark WILL NOT be okay in a one gallon aquarioum, from here I've got to venture into obtainging a 50 gallon aquarium eventually, but I'm gonna try for 7 or ten right now.

Arthas and Jake Died so i got two new goldfish: Ashley and Spoon

I also got a Blackfin shark (actually a catfish species) named spark.

I got an aquarium. It makes me very happy. It's got four goldfish: Arrthas, Jake, Speck, and Preston. theres bright colored rocks and a cool neon tunnel coral thing and a bright blue fake plant. It brightens up my days and I'm happy I got it. I really hope I can take care of them well. Somehtign about them makes me feel very satified and completed, and maybe now I'll have something to look forward to when I work and school all day. Maybe I'll post a picture when Iget the chance.

WHAT GIVES HIM THE RIGHT TO SAY "I'm goin to bed"  WHEN WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A CONVERSATION AND HE KNOWS I'M UPSET WITH HIM?! Well he can go take a hike off a cliff. From now on I don't care about his problems, I won't remind him of things he has to do, no more nothing. I'm tired today. You know why? Becasue he texted me and kept me up after I told him i was going to bed. Then he starts a conversation with me, gets me all upset at him, and decides to go to bed. I knew this was going to happen. When he starts his new job, all he's going to do is work, sleep, go to school, and study. It really doesn't look like theres gonna be room for me. He's such an idiot for taking an overnight job in the first place, much less full time. For all I care, he can have this ring back until he figures his priorities out becasue I SHOULD COME FIRST.

I never thought I could feel so dejected. It really hurts that my mother insists I'm not really engaged. She keeps telling me she's right and I'm wrong, but Nick and I decided, even if she is right, we'll stay together just to prove her wrong, though I really hope it doesn't come to that. I just feel lost in the midst of everything. Why is katie's ring so much better than mine just becasue it costs 7k and has 13 diamonds? Why is her engagement so much better thna mine? Why can't my mother just get off my back about her stupid opinions I don't care for? Why does Nick say he's gonna make it all better, but it only seems to get worse?

I really hope school makes it better. I hope that Nick and I really will get married once I'm 21. I hope I DO make the same mistakes my sister did. I hope that I won't spend too much of my paychecks from my new job. I hope I can actually do well in school. I hope nick and I will get to see each other a little between our jobs and classes. I really hope Nick doesn't take the full time job.

Chilling in the library witing for mom to pick me up. Was looking at The Idiot's Guide to Planning Your Wedding and almost started crying. I love you so much sweetie, I can't wait.

Latley I've been having really detaileddreams about people I don't know. Yesterday was about a princess and today it was about a family that lived on an airplane.. The storys are long and detailed and well, I don't know what to make of them. I've been writing them down, maybe i'll write them as a story someday.

In both there had been a wedding and somehitng that separates the couple trgically, and I really hope it doesn't mean somehting.

I woke up crying this morninrg after a bad dream.

Nick and I were dating, and there was somehting about us having sex in the stairwell of whatever school we went to. But he wasn't in any of my classes and there were these two girls that hated me, and asian one and a  blonde one. I was friends witht his really smart girl and thats why they didn't like me. so Evin (the asian chick) got to be really close friends with the smart girl just so that I wouldnt have any friends.one day when the blode girl's lab partner dropped out i had to sit with her becuse my lab partner was absent. I had apparently found out that Nick Liked Evin (even though he really didn't, so i found out later) and had written it on the back of a sheet of paper in my binder on the side closest to the blonde girl. She saw it and told Evin. that day at lunch I was sitting with some other people so the lunch table was crowded but the blonde girl and evin pushed their way on to the bench to sit across form me  (no idea why I didn't find this odd). Evin then proceeded to brag about how Nick liked her, just to bother me, and I don't remeber exactly what she/he said but, she calimed "He said (I don't rmeber this part) I wonder what it is!" all excited like. I started hyperventilating and getting really upset like i usually do before a panic attack. Then, my phone went off in real life and woke me up.

I don't know whather it's good or bad that even the incorrect idea that nick might like someone else upsets me so much.

Quite INSIDE the box, really. I got the yearbook teacher to give me the empty yearbook boxes she was going to throw out and I'm going to recycle them into my otakon costume.

It hurts.

It hurts me so bad to do this, that I want to cut myself again after four years of not. But I don't know what else to do.

It doesn't matter though anyway, becasue we would have broken up anyway, I just chose sooner rather than later. Becasue, you never did want to marry me, just like she said, you were leading me on.

He told me he was gonna be here today. i was so excited to see him again, but he left at 7am this morning, almost 36 hours before he said he would.

Why would he trick me like this?

See myspace status.

I'd choose Nick any day, even though he wouldn't do the same for me.

DO NOT propse to me juust becasue of my LJ post. Now you know why I wanted you to wait? I want you to propose to me when you're sure, if you're sure. DON"T YOU DARE propose to me because of my LJ post.

( No TMI here, but if you have issues with my relationship status, I thought I'd conserve your emotion. )